Pain, Ego and Forgiveness

We are settling in very nicely to our new home.  We met almost all of our new neighbors within the first 48 hours.  Friends are being made and spending time with family void of the drama and fear is  lifting and clearing a nice little space within our hearts.

We have laughter and love in our home once again. I can sit outside in the evenings and see the stars amongst the tall trees and truly relax into being.  I curl up on my porch and read.  I pray. I whisper words of thanks and forgiveness.

The latest book I am reading is by Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.  It deals with ego and how it rules all we do if we allow it that control.  It talks of being authentic and Being.  It is not teaching me a lot that I had not already come to know over the years. It did however give me some insight into the insanity of others. When we let ego control us, we are insane.

One paragraph in particular resonated with me and helped me to understand and by understanding, to forgive.

A man who had been an unwanted child and was given no love and a minimum of care and attention by his mother developed a heavy ambivalent pain-body that consisted of unfulfilled intense longing for his mother’s love and attention and at the same time intense hatred toward her for withholding what he so desperately needed.  When he became an adult, almost every woman would trigger his pain-body’s neediness — a form of emotional pain– and this would manifest as an addictive compulsion to “conquer and seduce”  almost every woman he met and in this way get the female love and attention that the pain-body craved. He became quite an expert on seduction, but as soon as a relationship turned intimate or his advances were rejected, the pain-body’s anger toward his mother would come up and sabotage the relationship.

Now, I am not saying that TB’s mother did not want him or love him. I think she had a lot of pain in her life and it probably transferred over to how she mothered, TB. However, this chapter made a lot of sense in how he behaves and treats women.

It goes on further to talk about Alcoholism and how it enhances the anger and violence part of the ego and it’s pain-body. Being drunk just keeps feeding the ego self, the pain-body and creates more and more pain which the ego thrives on.

I also learned that many times I was handling things the right way by ignoring the tirades and ugly words and focusing inwards and reaffirming to my spirit that I am alright and that his words come from sickness not reality.  I often handled them poorly and shouted back in anger, hurt, pain and humiliation, especially if my child was exposed to the toxic cloud.  Those times were my ego being in charge and thus making me ‘insane’ as well.

I know that there are things that will bring back memories and I am learning to live in grace and allow those to pass and be fully present in the here and now.  Being present to life and all it’s glory is why we are here. We are not here to work 9-5 for 40 years, ignore the life we have right now and then die.  Life is happening around you everyday. Leap into it with both feet and savor it.

Stop punishing yourself and others.  Forgive yourself, know yourself and realize your full potential by just Being.  Being authentic and really present in your life is not that hard to do when you stop and be still within.  To see the pain in your past as just that, the past and not putting road blocks on your path to the future, you can be HERE, right now, present and fully alive!

The more I understand, the more I heal and the easier it becomes to forgive. We all have a story but I am not my story, I simply am.

Blessed Be!

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